Sooo...

I feel like I should share that earlier this week I abruptly decided to call off TTC#2 for now. I let baby fever get the best of me. My husband was never really on board, but I sort of steamrolled over his concerns. And I cried to get my way. (Not really; I was honestly upset as we talked about the possibility of never having another child. I can't help it if my tears swayed him.)

But as things started to progress — as we met with the new RE and started testing — I started to get nervous and have doubts of my own. I wanted DH to reassure me, but he couldn't. We were, after all, moving ahead because I had insisted that everything would be okay.

I finally realized about a week ago that I was being selfish and unfair, and I decided to call it off. It was not an easy decision to make. I cried. A lot. But after a few days I think I found some peace in the decision. We are not closing the door on having another baby. For now we have agreed to reassess in January. I'm not sure if anything will have changed by then, but you never know, right? For example, we could win the lottery.

What? It could happen.

The bottom line is that Andrew gets to be an only child for at least another year and a half. Maybe that's not such a bad thing.

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Here we go again

I promise I'm not going to do a whole play-by-play on the TTC#2 front, but I thought I'd share that we had our first appointment with the new RE last week and testing is underway. We are not going to spend a lot of money on this. For now the plan is to try femara and only femara. In fact, at this point DH is not even on board to try IUI, so my hopes are pinned on femara with timed intercourse. And if it doesn't work in a few cycles, I have to be prepared to walk away from treatment and let nature take its course.

One interesting thing the new RE said: I had been convinced that, because I got my first ever BFP immediately after my laparoscopy, the removal of my minor endometriosis was key in my son's conception. The new RE reminded me that a couple of other procedures would have been done at the same time as the lap — I believe in my case it was a dye injection, hysteroscopy, and D&C — and it could have been one of those procedures that did the trick. It's possible that the endo had nothing to do with it at all.

I have only told one friend IRL about starting treatment again. I feel like I talked excessively about TTC the first time around. My mom and others heard waaayyy more than they needed to know, but it was always on my mind and I couldn't seem to keep it from spilling out of my mouth. I am terrible at keeping secrets, but it would be really awesome if this time I could surprise my family.

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New plan

Oh boy, this has been on my mind constantly lately. I'm putting off any decisions about pursuing fertility treatments until the spring. I just ordered 100 OPKs. I'm going to POAS every day for however long it takes to get a positive. Today I am on CD86, so it seems completely fruitless at this point, but at least I'll be doing something sort of proactive. Maybe my doctor will be kind enough to write me a prescription for Provera on Monday when we see her for Andrew's checkup so that I can start fresh.

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Want

A little while ago we had a major financial setback. Something out of our control cost us most of our savings. We're doing okay, but we don't have any extra at the end of the month. We're not in a position to rebuild our savings.

So, here's an interesting question: Are we willing to go into debt to do fertility treatments for baby #2? Clomid didn't work for me, and Gonal-f is expensive: I used about $2,000 worth of the stuff during one IUI cycle. We certainly can't afford that right now.

The funny thing is that I've been having doubts about whether we should even have another baby. But last night, as I thought about the fact that I'm currently on CD58 with no "o" in sight, which raises serious doubts in my mind about whether we will be able to conceive without intervention... well, suddenly I was very sure that I want another baby.

I guess we always want what we can't (easily) have.

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A plan

Something very exciting happened this weekend. Almost fourteen months after I gave birth and five months after I stopped pumping, I finally got my first post-partum period! I have no idea if I ovulated, but it's a distinct possibility.

So now I can actually say we are trying to conceive baby #2. I'm going to start temping so that I can figure out what my body's doing. If I seem to be ovulating somewhat regularly (hey, you never know), we will TTC on our own, probably until next May. If we have not been successful by then, we will go back to the RE for some medical assistance. Of course in the meantime I will work on losing weight and getting healthy -- no, really, I will. If months go by with no sign of ovulation, then we will consider going back to the RE sooner.

So, that's the plan.

It's a little bit scary to be doing this again. I don't want to become obsessed with TTC again. I hope it'll be different this time around. Maybe it won't be so hard. Maybe the fact that I have my sweet Andrew will keep me grounded. I hope.

Fingers crossed, people. Think good thoughts.

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Happiness

I'm pregnant! My beta at 14DPO is 162, a good, solid number. Dr. L says it's good enough that we don't need to do repeat betas, which is probably a good thing. One less thing to obsess over. I can be confident, for now, that I am indeed pregnant. I will have my first ultrasound in about two weeks. Can't wait!

So far, my only symptoms are those cramps that are not quite AF cramps and also unusual tiredness.

An elephant's gestation lasts about 22 months. That's how long it took me to get pregnant. I am grateful, then, that human gestation is just nine months.

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Teaser

My beta is tomorrow, and I think I have reason to be excited... Look for more news tomorrow!

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