Useless Ultrasound

This afternoon I had my pelvic and transvaginal ultrasound to look for "retained products of conception." Everything looked fine; there was nothing to see. Of course there was nothing to see! My hCG was 25 today (up from 21 on Monday), and apparently they don't expect to see anything via ultrasound until hCG is over 1,000! I don't understand why Dr. L was so keen on me having this ultrasound ASAP. It seems there's nothing to do but monitor the situation and wait for something to happen.

Now for some good news: I got the job! I start on June 18. Yay, I'm so excited! Giving notice will be hard, and the next two weeks will be hectic and awkward, but I'll get through it.

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Now What?

I am done with being philosophical. Now I'm perturbed.

My bloodwork on Thursday showed that my hCG had gone down to 18. Okay, good. I started bleeding on Friday, and it was horrible, and it continued over the weekend. They checked my hCG again this morning — and it had gone up ever so slightly to 21. How is this even possible? Dr. L called me himself to tell me the news and to explain that he wants me to have an ultrasound (the full bladder kind) to make sure there's nothing in my tubes. I'm pretty sure my tubes are fine, and anyway, he said an hCG of 21 indicates about 30 or 40 cells. That's hardly anything — can't we just ignore them and hope they go away? :p

Assuming everything's fine and these mystery cells disappear, Dr. L thinks we should try on our own for three cycles, after avoiding for one cycle, to see if we can conceive naturally again. As much as I love the idea of conceiving naturally, my cycles are long — at least 37 days — and unreliable. If we follow his suggestion and we don't conceive, IUI #3 won't be until October or November or maybe even later! (My idea of a July IUI was never gonna happen anyway; he's on holidays from June 21 to July 21 and the office is completely closed for most of that time. Must be nice.)

Man, this sucks.

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Being Philosophical

Tuesday was rough, as was Friday, when I actually started bleeding, but mostly I'm fine and I've been able to maintain a philosophical outlook. I know there are good reasons this pregnancy didn't work out: I ovulated so late in my cycle (around CD37) that the egg's quality might have been compromised, and I had surgery, including a D&C, just two weeks before conception, so I could very well have had lining issues.

And as my doctor said, and as I think many of us have said of first-time pregnancy loss, at least now I know I can get pregnant. It's true. After 18 months of trying, we finally have evidence that egg can meet sperm and sperm can fertilize egg. Under better circumstances we should be successful. And soon!

Since we conceived almost immediately after the endo was removed, I have to believe that the endo was a factor in our infertility, and so I feel the need to do my part to keep it at bay. Dr. L recommends the macrobiotic diet, but that's a little extreme for me to dive into wholesale, so I'm going to start by eliminating dairy and red meat and limiting caffeine and sugar. Wish me luck!

Oh, and Dr. L wants us to avoid next cycle, because he says there's a higher rate of miscarriage the cycle right after a miscarriage. No IUI for me until July.

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It's Over

My beta did not go up, so I guess this is a chemical pregnancy. Crap. Crap, crap crap! Sad. Back to the drawing board. Or, I should say, back to the needles and stirrups. I should have known that a break cycle BFP was too good to be true.

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Vedge

Right at this moment I am drinking something called Vedge. It's disgusting, but I need the extra vegetables. If this doesn't prove how excited I am to be pregnant, I don't know what will.

Two more days till beta #2. Please let this tiny spark of life continue to grow.

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In Other News...

Remember the job interview? Apparently I did "very well" on the tests and they want me to come in for a second interview next week. Of course, I am now grappling anew with the ethics of the situation — much worse now that I would be accepting a job knowing that I'm pregnant and won't be staying for long.

So far the advice I have gotten is unanimously that I should do what's best for me. This kind of thing happens all the time, and the company doesn't need me to look out for its interests. Yeah, but...

Obviously it's premature to worry about accepting an offer I haven't yet received. For now I have decided only to go ahead and do the interview.

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Surprising Hubby with the News

I had the pleasure of surprising Keith with the news on our anniversary! Since I already had an appointment with Dr. L scheduled for Thursday, our anniversary, I decided to keep the news to myself after my initial BFP on Tuesday. It was torture, but for 2.5 days I managed to hold it in.

On Thursday, we met after work at a restaurant called Milestones (how appropriate!) that overlooks the place we got married and did our post-ceremony pictures. He asked about the appointment with Dr. L but I was awkwardly evasive about our "next steps." After we ordered our meals, I handed him a gift bag. He looked dismayed, because we don't usually exchange gifts on our anniversary, but I told him it was just something small and to go ahead and open it.

It took him a while to get through all the tissue paper, but eventually he found a bib that says "I love my daddy." He looked up and said, "We're going to have a baby?" I nodded, with a big goofy smile on my face, and filled him in on the details.

I told him that I was feeling anxious about the low beta, but he refused to worry about that, and we spent the rest of the evening chatting about when to tell people, baby names, and other such happy things.

Although there was no big reaction, it was still a wonderful moment. Keith was a little put out that I'd kept it from him for so long, but he understood why I did it and agreed that it was a great surprise. :)

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I'm Pregnant!

Yes, that's right, I'm going to have a baby! I finally conceived on the unlikeliest of cycles. To recap: I had my laparoscopy on CD22 and ovulated sometime around CD37. I got my first positive HPT on CD56 (Tuesday).

On Thursday I had a beta (blood test), and the number came back at 81.4. This is definitely on the low side, considering that I was at least 19DPO, but the nurse assured me that it was normal. I will be going in for beta #2 on Tuesday. The number should double every 48 to 72 hours, so I'm looking for a minimum of 270. Anything lower than that could indicate that the pregnancy is not viable.

Needless to say, it's going to be a very long weekend.

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Let's Get This Party Started

Well, I thought AF would be here by now, but no such luck. There was some ambiguous spotting on Thursday and I thought it had arrived earlier than expected, but nope. I've been crampy and headachy for days, so it seems like something's going on. I POAS (peed on a stick, for those not up to speed on the acronyms) this morning but it was a clear negative. So... I wait. My post-op appointment is on Thursday, so I guess if AF is still absent by then I can get started on Provera to bring on my next cycle, but I hope that won't be necessary.

In other news, after grappling briefly with my excessively guilty conscience, I had a job interview last week. Or, rather, a pre-interview test. I feel confident about the editing part but I'm not so sure about the writing part. I think this would be a good change for me, so I hope hope hope I make it to the next stage. I should find out this week.

This could shape up to be an eventful week. I'll keep you posted. I'm sure you're on the edge of your seats.

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Yes, I Am a Spaz

As you know, I've been trying to figure out whether I ovulated, and I've been concerned that if I did ovulate I might have to sit out the new cycle because I'd be expecting AF days before my post-op appointment. All this worry and uncertainty has been stressful.

I might have mentioned that I find health care professionals intimidating. I had the impression that Dr. L didn't expect to hear from me again until the post-op appointment, but I really, really didn't want to have to sit out yet another long cycle. So I stressed about it, scrounged up some courage, rehearsed what I would say in my head, and then this morning I made the call. It went something like this.

Me (nervous and babbling): Oh, hi, um, I have my post-laparoscopy appointment with Dr. L on May 15, but I think I ovulated, and if I'm right I'll be expecting my period to start a few days before the appointment, and I was hoping that since it's been four weeks since the lap, and since it's only a few days before the appointment, that maybe I could somehow do treatment this cycle, if it's okay with Dr. L?

Nurse: Yes, that was the plan. Call me on day one.

Me: Oh! Okay, thanks!

Yet again, I was stressing over nothing. I'm such a spaz.

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Did I Ovulate?

That is the question of the week. I still think I might have, but Fertility Friend still refuses to give me crosshairs. My "shift" has lasted for nine days now. My temping has been a bit sporadic this "cycle" because I did not expect to o and, as I've mentioned here, I wanted to quit to give myself a true TTC break. But it seems I'm a temping addict.

Anyway, maybe my dear readers could take a look at my chart and let me know what they think. Pretty please? :)

My chart

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