Monday, Monday

I'm in a pretty foul mood today. Work sucks. I should have spent most of the weekend working on the two projects I brought home (uncompensated overtime, by the way), but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Which means I'm woefully behind this week, with my "holidays" looming on the horizon.

I'm quietly freaking out, as you'd already know if you were my friend on Facebook (lol). One of the projects must be done by the end of this week, and the other — well, I guess I'll work on the other while I'm recovering from my laparoscopy next week. It'll be a welcome diversion from all the daytime television I might otherwise be tempted to watch. Yeah.

I'm already mourning my lost holidays. I feel like I desperately need some time off, because work has been insanely busy for months on end now, and the Christmas break was a long time ago. But this is not how I want to spend it — working, a day of fasting and bowel prep followed by a day at the hospital, and then couch time with more working.

Oh, yes, I'm sure I'll return to the office feeling fully refreshed.

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A Story

An old friend from high school called last night. We hadn't spoken in about two years. In that time, my life has remained exactly the same — same husband, same job, same apartment, same cat. No babies. (Evidence of a life on hold.)

Hers, on the other hand, has changed drastically. She has moved several times, separated from her husband, and had a second baby. She got married during her first pregnancy and separated during her second. The good news is that she's happy now. She's rebuilding her life as a single mother and taking some classes so that she can get a good job.

And although the last few years have been really rough, she says she wouldn't take them back for anything, because without them she wouldn't have her daughters. And she loves being a mommy.

Sometimes I ask myself if all this effort and expense to get pregnant is worth it — just because it's so hard for me to imagine what it will be like to be a mother. After talking to my friend, I felt strongly reassured that it will indeed be worth it. And I can't wait!

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Trouble TTC @ The Nest

Before I get too far into this blog, I want to dedicate a post to the ladies on the Trouble TTC board at The Nest (who no doubt make up about 95 percent of whatever readership I will ever have). I couldn't ask for a better resource and support group. There's so much advice, kindness, and sympathy attached to an incredible amount of collective TTC wisdom.

Thanks to this board I understand so much more about what's happening with my body, what my doctor's talking about, and what my options are than I would otherwise. I never knew "research" could be so enjoyable (and even addictive).

It's amazing how wrapped up I become in these women's stories. I am regularly moved to tears when reading about their experiences: I celebrate with them, and I grieve with them. I have even met two wonderful Nesties in person.

I can't recommend this board enough to anyone dealing with fertility issues.

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Random Pic of the Day

This is my all-time favourite picture of Austin, my very photogenic cat. Isn't he beautiful? He's lying on a manuscript I brought home from work. I wish I could remember which one.

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Life On Hold?

Why, you might wonder, do I say my life is on hold? Anyone who has experienced IF knows what I mean. It is all-consuming. I think about it every day and it influences all of our major life decisions. Let me break it down for you.

I want to leave the big city and return to my hometown, about two hours away, where I can be near my family and where we could actually afford to buy a house. Regardless of where we live, I want a new job.

Here's the thing: IF is expensive. If we leave the big city, we will have to get new jobs in my hometown, and salaries in my hometown are lower than they are here. This is not a huge problem, generally; we would still be able to afford a house. But we might not be able to afford IF treatments. We certainly would not be able to afford both a house and IF treatments.

Another thing to consider: are IF treatments as readily available in my hometown? I have no idea.

Okay, so why don't I get a new job in the big city in the meantime? Well, I'm getting to the point where I just want out, so the concerns I'm about to list are dimming. I fear at a new job I would not have the flexibility I need to attend IF appointments, monitoring, and procedures. I think I would feel guilty if I got a new job and then got pregnant shortly after. But I've been trying for a year and a half now — let's face it, I might not get pregnant any time soon.

My original dream was to get pregnant, stay at my current job until the baby comes, then move to my hometown during my maternity/parental leave (one year in Ontario), possibly buy a house, and take it from there. Ideally, K would be able to keep his current job and work from home, but it's looking like that's not going to work out.

At the very least, finally achieving pregnancy would force us to make decisions and kick us out of our rut.

I desperately need to get out of this rut.

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My Infertility Journey So Far...

Quick intro: I stopped taking BCP in November 2006, had AF in December but then nothing for months (as I expected), and was referred to an IF specialist in April 2007. Specialist tentatively diagnosed me with PCOS. K's first SA showed a slightly low count and low motility. His repeat SA showed numbers on the low side of average. And so we begin.

I always knew I would have trouble conceiving, since I would only get AF once or twice a year when not on BCP, but I really had no idea what "having trouble" would mean. I kind of thought I would just take a pill for a few months and that would do it! Well, that is in fact very often the first step in IF treatment. And that's how it started for me. The pill is called Clomid, and it is effective in inducing ovulation in about 80 percent of women. I'm in the other 20 percent.

After four cycles of increasing dosages of Clomid, which did absolutely nothing except give me hot flashes, I reluctantly conceded that it was time to move on to the next step: injectable FSH with IUI. At this point we did some more testing, a pelvic ultrasound and a sonohysterogram (SHG), to make sure my uterus was in good shape and my tubes were clear. They were.

In October 2007 I injected myself in the belly with Gonal-f for 12 days. And so, one year after I stopped taking BCP, and six months after I started seeing the IF specialist, I finally ovulated one precious follicle and had my first IUI. I got my first BFN just in time to celebrate that anniversary along with my 30th birthday. (A little advice here: don't start TTC on your birthday, and especially not on your 29th birthday!)

In January 2008 we did our second Gonal-f + IUI cycle. This time we switched up the dosages and I ended up with four follicles! My LH surged on its own, and so we did back-to-back IUIs at 12 and 36 hours after trigger. My doctor said we couldn't ask for a better cycle... but BFN #2.

Next step, laparoscopy on April 9.

To be continued...

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Introduction

So, I've decided to join the blogging world. I can't promise riveting content, but I'll do my best to update it frequently and to keep it at least mildly interesting. The main subject of this blog is my infertility journey, but I'm sure I will sometimes post off-topic.

Comments are welcome and appreciated.

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