Happy Canada Day!

I know the date says June 30, but in my world it's 12:19 a.m. on July 1, which is Canada Day! I’m having a very nice extra-long long weekend. A lot of folks had to work on Monday and got Tuesday off, which is sorta sad. Well, my new company assigns two floater holidays every year, and one of them was June 30, meaning I had a beautiful four-day weekend. Woohoo! Keith had a five-day weekend but he had to use two of his vacation days to get it.

It’s still strange to me not to take work home every weekend. Even when I didn’t actually do the work I brought home, it hung over my head and made me feel guilty and stressed. I feel like this must be some sort of hiatus and soon the work will start piling up again. But my new job isn’t like that and never will be — I’m free and it’s wonderful! I’m still trying to figure out what to do with my new-found free time. I don’t really have any hobbies, but a few general interests that could possibly become more hobby-like in the near future are cooking, photography, and knitting. We’ll see.

So, what have I been up to this holiday weekend? We’ve watched lots of movies (rented Fool’s Gold, The Spiderwick Chronicles, Definitely, Maybe, and P.S. I Love You and went to the theatre to see WALL-E) and gone out to eat a few times. Today we hung out with my cousin for a bit. (I've mentioned her before. She’s 22 and slept on our dining room floor for a couple of months until she got her own place. She doesn’t know anyone else in the city, so I’m going to have to make sure to check up on her regularly.) Anyway, it's been nice.

If you’re wondering about the results of beta #12 from last week, well, so am I! I didn’t get the results and I don't know if any future betas will be required. Substitute doc didn’t call me and I couldn’t reach her because her secretary’s on holidays and nobody’s going to be checking voicemail until July 2. I wonder if she even got the results. Maybe they went to Dr. L’s office by mistake.

AF showed up on Thursday and I’m just assuming everything’s okay. I’ve started temping again and plan to OPK this cycle (for the first time ever, by the way) even though we’ve been instructed to avoid again. I want to know if and when I ovulate so I can discuss my options with Dr. L when he gets back from his vacation at the end of July. He wants us to try on our own for three cycles, but I’m not so sure I like that idea, what with my long, irregular cycles. The removal of the endo won’t have fixed that.

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A Conversation

Today I had beta #12. (Yep, 12. I'm getting some kind of perverse pleasure from counting them.) Substitute doc insisted I had to get it done at the hospital where she works, which is downtown, rather than at a more convenient lab in the north end, where I live and now also work. The hospital lab doesn't open until 8:30, so since I didn't want to be late for work after only five days on the job, I decided to go after work. It was yet another stupid, time-wasting inconvenience. I arrived home 1.5 hours late — hungry, tired, and grumpy.

Me: I'm so sick of all this.
Keith: 'kay...
Me: 'kay? That's all you have to say?
Keith: Well, what do you want me to say? I can't tell you not to go; you have to go.
Me: How about, 'You're right, honey, it does suck. I'm sorry you have to go through this.'
Keith: Okay, what you said.
Me: You suck.

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Adjusting

I'm not sure yet how I feel about my new job. There's definitely a part of my brain crying "What have I done?" I assume this is normal and that once I settle in and actually know what I'm doing and how to do it I'll be okay. I'm also feeling lonely. It seems I relied on work for a good part of my social interaction and I'm missing it badly.

Actually, I'm feeling pretty down. I need to find some new hobbies and interests. I need to get a life. There are some pretty pathetic things going through my head that I can't quite bring myself to record here on the Internet, so I think I'd better sign off for now. Peace out.

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Beta Still Dropping

It wasn't a fluke! It was 25.9 today, down from 38.2 on Monday. I'm so relieved.

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Shopping Spree!

My New Spring/Summer Wardobe

I thought it was time for a fun post. Here, in all its glory, is my new spring/summer wardrobe: one dress, one pair of pants, three T-shirts, six dressier shirts, two jackets, one short sweater to wear over the dress (centre) and over the aqua tank top (bottom right). I can't believe I bought all this stuff! And I'm likely to buy more! (Oh, I didn't include my new bra, but you didn't need to see that anyway.)

I feel like I've sorely neglected my lower half, but that's so much harder than tops. There's just no way to satisfy my desire to disguise my belly, hips, and thighs. I always have Stacy and Clinton of What Not To Wear giving running commentary in my head and nothing I try on meets their high standards of fit — or mine, I guess.

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Substitute Doc

The substitute doc is probably the sweetest medical professional I have ever met. Seriously, her sympathy almost brought tears to my eyes. She just wanted to meet me and familiarize herself with my situation and reassure me that she will be watching me closely until my beta reaches zero. Next beta is Thursday. She says she thinks I'm right, that the bleed after I finish the BCP next week will clear out whatever was causing the hCG.

Hmm, see, writing this blog helps me think things out and come up with new questions. If my hCG drops low enough in the next couple of days to cause me to bleed, will I bleed a second time next week when I finish the BCP? Should I stop taking the BCP if I start bleeding before I finish the pack? Does it matter? Is this something I should call the substitute doc about (if it happens)?

When not hanging out at various medical facilities, I spent the last two days, my precious days off in between jobs, shopping. I purchased three T-shirts, three fancier office-appropriate shirts, a jacket, and a bra. And I bought six other items over the past month or so. This is probably the biggest shopping spree I have been on in my life! And I may still buy more. I was reluctant at first, because I am (as ever) trying to lose weight, but in the meantime I do still need to wear clothes. I felt like I had NO summer clothes that fit me and that I liked — not even casual stuff. Now I have maybe half of a decent summer wardrobe.

Today I also treated myself to brunch at a place I've been eying for months. It was awesome! I had french toast and crepes covered in a mountain of fruit and served with English cream. Oh, and a strawberry banana smoothie. So freaking good! I'm going to have to drag Keith back there soon.

In case you're wondering, I did not manage to settle on a spa treatment in time. I'll save it for later. Maybe my birthday?

I'm nervous about starting my new job tomorrow. You know, What if it's too hard? What if I screw up? What if nobody talks to me? What if toilet paper gets stuck to my shoe? What if I'm having a bad hair day? Wish me luck!

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Fingers Crossed...

Today's beta is 38, down from 51 on Friday! I hope this is the start of a trend and not just a fluke.

We'll see what substitute doc has to say tomorrow, but hopefully we can ride it out from now till zero. I'll be finishing the BCP in a week, and I think maybe the bleed that follows will clear out any leftover pg tissue. Or will the hCG have to be zero before I can bleed? I don't know how that works.

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Happy Long Weekend To Me!

My old, stressful, frequent-unpaid-overtime job is over and I'm so relieved! It was surreal handing in my key and leaving after my farewell party on Friday, knowing that I would never be back. Well, I suppose I'll probably be back for a visit at some point, but you know what I mean.

They gave me some amazingly generous parting gifts, including a $100 gift card for my favourite clothing store and a $100 gift card to a selection of spas! I've never been to a spa before. I was thinking it would be nice to go on Tuesday, the day before I start my new job, but what should I have done? Mani/pedi/facial? Massage? Body wrap? I'm overwhelmed by the choices. I was sort of interested in getting a haircut by the "creative director" for $55 (way more than I usually spend on hair), but my friend told me that was too practical and spas are not for being practical! What do you guys think? Any treatment recommendations?

Back to the lingering hCG drama. Friday's beta was 51, up from 40 on Monday. I rushed in to see Dr. L one last time before his vacation to go over my u/s results with him, but since there really wasn't anything to discuss, he mostly just told me about the colleague who will be taking care of me while he's away. I think he was already on vacation in his mind. He didn't mention the methotrexate shot. Apparently he's leaving the decision-making regarding resolving this little problem to his colleague.

I have beta #10 (!) tomorrow and then an appointment with the substitute doc on Tuesday. I'm sad that I have to get up early and go downtown on both my days off between jobs.

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Useless Ultrasound #2

After a false start yesterday (no need to rehash the details, but the u/s clinic screwed up and had to reschedule me after I had been waiting, full bladder and all, for 45 minutes), I had Useless Ultrasound #2 this afternoon. It was a total replay of Useless Ultrasound #1, except the reception staff were super sweet to me and rushed me right in because of yesterday's screwup.

The tech (a nicer one this time) did the pelvic u/s, let me go pee, did the transvaginal part, then went to get the doc that Dr. L insisted must look at me himself. This is the same doc who looked at me last time. So, u/s doc repeats the transvag part. At one point he muttered to the tech about something on the right side, but then he turned to me and said everything looks great! And repeated the wisdom that usually nothing can be seen by u/s when the hCG is less than 1000. Okay, but Dr. L must know that, right? There must be a reason he keeps sending me here? Ugh.

U/s doc says there's nothing to do but wait for the hCG to get higher. I should come back when it's in the hundreds. Yeah, okay. I hate that guy.

I must get to Dr. L's office at 7:30 a.m. tomorrow to catch him before he dashes off to do his rounds. It's my last chance to talk to him before his month-long vacation. I'm half expecting him to recommend going ahead with the methotrexate shot. I suppose I'll go along with it. I just want this to be over.

Speaking of things being over, tomorrow is my last day at my soon-to-be-former job. I'm happy/sad/stressed. It's a half-day, because of summer hours (which my new job sadly doesn't do), and they're having a little farewell lunch for me. My good friend and soon-to-be-former coworker who is currently on maternity leave will be coming in to join the party and then hang out with me for a bit afterwards. She and her adorable chubby baby will take some of the spotlight pressure away from me. Goodbye parties really aren't my style. I'd rather leave silently in the night and send a nice farewell email later. LOL

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... Or Not

Ahrrghhh! This game is getting old. My hCG was up "a bit" this morning. WHY? Dr. L is now talking about the methotrexate shot as our next step if it hasn't gone down by Friday. After this shot we will have to avoid for three months (or cycles, not sure which). I'm going to ask about other options when I talk to him on Friday, but it looks like this is a very real possibility.

Oh, and he wants to rush me off to another ultrasound. What does he think we'll see this time that couldn't be seen a week and a half ago?

My mood is yo-yoing with my betas. I was happy all weekend knowing that the BCP was working and this ordeal was almost over, and now I'm feeling blue. Grim, you might say. The prospect of losing the next three months/cycles — the most fertile time after the lap — is depressing.

Update: Today's beta was 40.4, up from 27.4 on Thursday.

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Break Free!

Yay, finally some good news in the hCG department. This morning I had my umpteenth (okay, seventh) beta, and it was down to 27.4 (from 32 on Monday). So I guess the BCP is doing its job and suppressing whatever was generating the hCG, and I don't have to switch to "more aggressive" (danazol) or "most aggressive" (methotrexate). I am grateful. I have another beta (maybe the last?) on Monday.

Now that I can quit worrying, I have time to realize that being on BCP is like having 21 days of total freedom from all this TTC crap. Even though I was supposed to avoid this cycle, I was still planning to temp, and I even bought a whole mess of OPKs, just so I could keep track of what was going on in there. It was important for me to know if/when I ovulated.

Now, of course, I know that I won't ovulate! No temping, no OPKing, no hoping, and no worrying. Just a month of blissful freedom from and ignorance of the goings-on in my reproductive system. A true break at last.

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You Want Me to Take What??

I had another beta on Monday to see if the lingering hCG was going away on its own. The stupid tech taking my blood said, "I hope it [the hCG] goes up and up!" Seriously. Look, lady, there's no baby. We need it to go away — not up!

I don't know what the number was, but the nurse left me a voicemail instructing me to start taking the birth control pills Dr. L prescribed me, so it couldn't have been good. I'm going in for yet another beta tomorrow, and if the hCG hasn't gone down he wants to switch to something more aggressive. I can't remember the name of the "more aggressive" drug, but it's a male hormone, it's primarily an endo suppressor, and I would take it for seven days. Crossing my fingers for dwindling hCG!

Boy, it's weird to be on BCP again.

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