My period arrived today. Two days early. And some wicked lower back cramps came along with it. I've been miserable all day. Who ever thought I'd be sharing this kind of info with the Internet world? :p
This early arrival makes the monitoring we had planned slightly more tricky. If AF had been on time it would have fit into my work schedule and travel plans much better. Oh well. When is this ever easy, right?
...for I am guilty of a great deal of jealousy. In addition to serious baby envy (see below), I also have serious house envy. I'm so sick of renting crappy apartments! I want to put down roots and make a home my own. (I also believe in the importance of home equity as an investment in our future.)
Why don't we have one? We simply can't afford one. Not here in the big city. We really can't even afford a decent condo. How sad is that? We both work full-time with great credit and okay salaries, but we can't afford a home. There are still a few areas within commuting distance that we could afford, but then factor in the cost of transportation, especially with the high cost of gas these days, and it starts to slip out of our reach again. Not to mention I really don't want to spend three plus hours a day travelling to and from the office.
The good side of this, I guess, is that we're able to save money. We live relatively cheaply, with our rent and our bus passes, and I think maybe if we owned a home we'd have a much harder time affording fertility treatments.
Dr. L has finally returned from his five-week vacation. My appointment on Thursday was basically what I expected. He repeated his recommendation that we try on our own for a while but ultimately left it up to me. Since impatience doesn't seem like a good enough reason to demand medication, I reluctantly agreed but expressed my concern about my irregular ovulation. I'm still not used to ovulating on my own, you see, and don't trust it. The thing I want to avoid most of all is a super-long anovulatory cycle. So, he said we could monitor me during the natural cycles if that would make me feel better. It would. I'll go in for bloodwork on CD3 and bloodwork and ultrasound on CD12 (and then every couple of days until I ovulate).
Oh, he seemed to find my confession about accidentally having sex on O-Day to be pretty amusing. He also told me I gave him a few grey hairs during my little hCG drama — how nice that he actually seems to care. I guess he's a pretty good guy.
In conclusion, until I feel the desperate need to stick needles in my belly again, it's au naturel for us. I'm thinking three cycles will be my limit.
Keith, of course, continues to leave all decision-making to do with the baby-making to me. Is this the typical attitude for TTC DHs?
This is my cousin's beautiful, sweet baby girl. Every time I see her I experience serious baby envy. Whycantshebemine? (My cousin, by the way, was 18 when she gave birth, and is unemployed and unmarried. Not that I'm bitter. To her credit, she seems to be a good mommy.) I spent some time with the baby this past weekend and just fell in love with her. She's so smiley and content. Awww.
But seriously. About 90 percent of the time I am not bitter. I have so far avoided most of the emotional pitfalls of infertility. I have my share of weepy hormonal days to be sure, and sometimes I stare longingly at strangers' baby bellies in public, but overall... 21 months in I'm doing all right. (Ask me again in a few months when we hit two years!)
Oh, about this picture. I took it with my fancy new Canon PowerShot G9, which is in the prosumer class of digital cameras, meaning it has lots of manual features. About 10 years ago I knew how to use them. Now, not so much. It's back to basics for me. I have found my new pastime. This particular picture was done using the very cool colour accent feature. I set it to blue, hoping to pick up the blue of her eyes, but I think the light was too dim so it just got the sheets she's lying on. I'll share more when I have some good ones.
So much for my textbook cycle. Fertility Friend adjusted my ovulation date to CD19. That's still the earliest I've ever ovulated on my own, so I'm still pretty happy about it.
As I mentioned before, I was avoiding this cycle, in the wake of my prolonged hCG drama, per substitute doc's instructions. Well, after FF gave me solid crosshairs instead of my usual dashed crosshairs (dashed means it can't be really sure, either because you didn't provide enough info or because the info was wonky) on CD14, I figured my fertile time was over, and so we just happened to have unprotected intercourse on the very day I apparently ovulated. Oops!
I can't wait to explain the situation to Dr. L during my appointment next week: Well, yes, I was avoiding, except for the day I ovulated...
So, I'm 4DPO, and I guess I'm in the two-week wait. Haven't been there in months. Imagine, if I get pregnant this cycle I can say I had an oops baby. LOL
Fertility Friend seems to be pretty sure, based on temps and CM, that I ovulated on Thursday. On CD14! Holy cow, am I fixed?? I guess I have no reason to argue about trying on our own for a few cycles now. Apparently laparoscopy was the only treatment I really needed. And maybe metformin too. I'm so excited!
Here's my chart.
After my m/c at the end of May I decided that I needed to get serious about trying to improve my diet. Specifically, I wanted to eliminate red meat and dairy, and reduce sugar and caffeine. Well, I haven't managed to eliminate anything, but I've significantly reduced both dairy and red meat, and I've made efforts to increase my vegetable intake. This past week I've indulged way too much in chocolate — but well worth it, I say. What's life without chocolate?
Besides chocolate, my biggest regular indulgence is plain old orange pekoe tea. I drink one cup each day, sometimes two, which I don't think is too bad, but then again nothing about it is good. That little mug contains three things I'm supposed to be avoiding: caffeine, sugar, and dairy. I used to use Splenda, but Dr. L was appalled when he heard that. I tried using a non-dairy replacement — almond milk, which I now use in cereal — but it tasted terrible. So milk and sugar it is.
Tea is a definitely a comfort thing for me. My mom and I lived with my grandparents for most of my childhood, and tea was very much a part of that life. My grandma always has a cup of tea nearby. I hardly remember her drinking anything else, ever!
Upset? Feeling ill? Have a cup of tea and you'll feel better, I promise. :)
See this post for more evidence of how much I looove tea.
I've been feeling sick to my stomach for days and it just now occurred to me that maybe it's because I started taking metformin again this cycle. (I stopped taking it before my lap on doctor's orders and didn't bother taking it during the whole hCG fiasco, so in all I was off it for about three months.)
I don't recall feeling this way when I started taking it the first time, but I guess things could be different now. I mean, back then I didn't ovulate on my own either, and now apparently I do... or maybe that's the metformin too? Who the hell knows. I don't know. My doctor doesn't know.
Are any of my readers on metformin? Do you remember how you felt when you first started taking it?
Do you ever wonder WHY?
Why, oh why, is it so important to me that I procreate? Are my genes really so awesome that I need to pass them on? Life would be simpler if I didn't want kids or, better, if I didn't mind either way. But I do want a baby so very much. WHY? Is it merely a biological drive? A result of social conditioning (you get married and then you have kids; it's just what you do)? I'm sure both of these things play a role, but there must be more, right?
We're talking about an urge so strong that it has obsessed me, on a daily basis, for well over a year now. It is so powerful that it drives us to spend thousands of dollars and go through various painful and time-consuming procedures and to keep on going like the Energizer bunny despite repeated disappointments. WHY?
Here's something: I can imagine our future without children, and let me tell you — it's boring! I guess a nicer way to say this is that I feel unfulfilled. There's a voice in my head saying, "There must be more to life than this." I imagine having a child will fill this giant void and complete me in a way nothing else ever can.
Is this reason good enough? Is it selfish? Does it even matter? Whatever the reason, I know I will keep on going for a long time yet. I will keep on hoping and praying (in my own way) until I have a baby in my arms.
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