Weight Matters

Warning: Anyone who doesn't want to read a pregnant woman's freakout about weight gain should turn back now. I know it's a tedious subject but I just need to let it out.

So. I had my 24-week appointment today (a little early). I have now gained 22 pounds. That's up nine pounds since December 22. Um, oops? Guess who went a little crazy over the holidays! I was doing so well, too. I felt good about being up 12.5 pounds at 20 weeks. But now? I'm trying not to freak out about it. It's really not so bad... right? If I gain a pound a week from here till the end, which I understand is normal and reasonable, I'll have gained 38 pounds. ... Okay, that's not making me feel better. The books all say that since I started out overweight, I should gain 15-25. I've obviously blown that goal right out of the water.

I've spent so much time during this pregnancy telling myself that weight doesn't matter and that I'm not going to stress about it. Whenever I complain to Keith that I look or feel fat, he says, "No, hunny, you're pregnant. There's a difference." I know.

I know.

But I've spent my whole life worrying about my weight. I was a chubby child teased by classmates. I remember getting dieting tips from my skinny, pretty best friend when I was nine years old. It was only a couple of years ago that I finally managed to shed some weight and started to feel kind of good about myself (although I was still a good 15 pounds from my stated goal). It's really hard to watch the scale swing back the other way. I especially didn't want to see it go past my all-time high, but it looks like it's going to.

Deep breaths. It's okay. It isn't forever. It's for the baby.

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Work Worries

I started a new job in June. My six-month probation doesn't end until mid-December, when I will be about 20 weeks pregnant. I don't feel comfortable waiting that long to tell. I've set 16 weeks as an arbitrary deadline, but there's a problem. I'm extremely short on work and need to ask for more. I told the boss a while ago that eventually, once I've gotten the mess I inherited cleaned up, I will need more work, so it won't come as a surprise. But I don't want to bring that up that until I spill the beans about my impending leave (one year in Canada), since that info will likely determine what kind of work the boss will want to give me.

I'm so nervous about this. Today the boss was in her office most of the day (rare) and I tried to talk myself into going in to talk to her. Instead I talked myself into waiting until next week. I'm such a coward. I got all shaky just thinking about it.

I sort of feel embarrassed and guilty, like I accepted the job under false pretenses. Won't they assume that I must have been trying? Or will they believe that I got knocked up accidentally? I'm not sure which assumption makes me look worse. Why do I even care? Yeah, that's right, the new girl's pregnant. And proud of it! I'm such an idiot. LOL

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Substitute Doc

The substitute doc is probably the sweetest medical professional I have ever met. Seriously, her sympathy almost brought tears to my eyes. She just wanted to meet me and familiarize herself with my situation and reassure me that she will be watching me closely until my beta reaches zero. Next beta is Thursday. She says she thinks I'm right, that the bleed after I finish the BCP next week will clear out whatever was causing the hCG.

Hmm, see, writing this blog helps me think things out and come up with new questions. If my hCG drops low enough in the next couple of days to cause me to bleed, will I bleed a second time next week when I finish the BCP? Should I stop taking the BCP if I start bleeding before I finish the pack? Does it matter? Is this something I should call the substitute doc about (if it happens)?

When not hanging out at various medical facilities, I spent the last two days, my precious days off in between jobs, shopping. I purchased three T-shirts, three fancier office-appropriate shirts, a jacket, and a bra. And I bought six other items over the past month or so. This is probably the biggest shopping spree I have been on in my life! And I may still buy more. I was reluctant at first, because I am (as ever) trying to lose weight, but in the meantime I do still need to wear clothes. I felt like I had NO summer clothes that fit me and that I liked — not even casual stuff. Now I have maybe half of a decent summer wardrobe.

Today I also treated myself to brunch at a place I've been eying for months. It was awesome! I had french toast and crepes covered in a mountain of fruit and served with English cream. Oh, and a strawberry banana smoothie. So freaking good! I'm going to have to drag Keith back there soon.

In case you're wondering, I did not manage to settle on a spa treatment in time. I'll save it for later. Maybe my birthday?

I'm nervous about starting my new job tomorrow. You know, What if it's too hard? What if I screw up? What if nobody talks to me? What if toilet paper gets stuck to my shoe? What if I'm having a bad hair day? Wish me luck!

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Yes, I Am a Spaz

As you know, I've been trying to figure out whether I ovulated, and I've been concerned that if I did ovulate I might have to sit out the new cycle because I'd be expecting AF days before my post-op appointment. All this worry and uncertainty has been stressful.

I might have mentioned that I find health care professionals intimidating. I had the impression that Dr. L didn't expect to hear from me again until the post-op appointment, but I really, really didn't want to have to sit out yet another long cycle. So I stressed about it, scrounged up some courage, rehearsed what I would say in my head, and then this morning I made the call. It went something like this.

Me (nervous and babbling): Oh, hi, um, I have my post-laparoscopy appointment with Dr. L on May 15, but I think I ovulated, and if I'm right I'll be expecting my period to start a few days before the appointment, and I was hoping that since it's been four weeks since the lap, and since it's only a few days before the appointment, that maybe I could somehow do treatment this cycle, if it's okay with Dr. L?

Nurse: Yes, that was the plan. Call me on day one.

Me: Oh! Okay, thanks!

Yet again, I was stressing over nothing. I'm such a spaz.

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Did I Ovulate?

That is the question of the week. I still think I might have, but Fertility Friend still refuses to give me crosshairs. My "shift" has lasted for nine days now. My temping has been a bit sporadic this "cycle" because I did not expect to o and, as I've mentioned here, I wanted to quit to give myself a true TTC break. But it seems I'm a temping addict.

Anyway, maybe my dear readers could take a look at my chart and let me know what they think. Pretty please? :)

My chart

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