A plan

Something very exciting happened this weekend. Almost fourteen months after I gave birth and five months after I stopped pumping, I finally got my first post-partum period! I have no idea if I ovulated, but it's a distinct possibility.

So now I can actually say we are trying to conceive baby #2. I'm going to start temping so that I can figure out what my body's doing. If I seem to be ovulating somewhat regularly (hey, you never know), we will TTC on our own, probably until next May. If we have not been successful by then, we will go back to the RE for some medical assistance. Of course in the meantime I will work on losing weight and getting healthy -- no, really, I will. If months go by with no sign of ovulation, then we will consider going back to the RE sooner.

So, that's the plan.

It's a little bit scary to be doing this again. I don't want to become obsessed with TTC again. I hope it'll be different this time around. Maybe it won't be so hard. Maybe the fact that I have my sweet Andrew will keep me grounded. I hope.

Fingers crossed, people. Think good thoughts.

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NIAW

I am lucky. Lucky that my struggle with infertility was relatively brief. Lucky that I had only one loss along the way. Lucky that we didn't have to go thousands of dollars into debt to pay for procedure after procedure. Lucky that, in the end, we conceived our baby on our own, without meds. Lucky that our son was born healthy. My heart aches for those who have not been so fortunate. My thoughts are, as always, with those of you still fighting to make your dream of motherhood come true.

Some links:

Infertility 101
National Infertility Awareness Week
Project IF

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Due Diligence?

Did I do my due diligence in all this infertility stuff? Should I have done more?

Sometimes I think we went about this all wrong. I went off BCP fully expecting what did in fact happen — nothing. Okay, I had one AF the next month, and I thought, cool, what a great time for my body to decide to start working! And then nothing, for the next five months. But the point is that I expected it. And instead of doing something about it — instead of, say, researching fertility diets that promote ovulation or going on any diet just to get healthier and lose some weight — I just waited. I took my prenatal vitamins and I waited until I was due for my annual checkup, and then I went in and got my referral to an IF specialist.

Now I wish I hadn't been in such a hurry. And I wonder, since I'd only been off BCP for six months, why didn't my doctor suggest trying ways to get my cycles going naturally? Or, why didn't she look at me long enough to figure out I probably have PCOS and put me on metformin to see if that helped before sending me off to the specialist?

Even now, one year into treatment, I still haven't got my act together. My attempts at dieting are half-hearted and laughable, really. Whenever I read about a particular diet I get overwhelmed and doom myself to failure before I begin. (The GI diet was great for about two weeks.) Every time I see Dr. L he asks me, "Have you lost any weight?" And I say, "I don't think so," and I feel ashamed.

My long-term plan, assuming continued infertility, is this: I'm going to do four more IUIs, for a total of six, and if I'm still not pregnant, I'm going to take a long break before thinking about IVF. And during that break I'm going to go all out — I'm going to do acupuncture and really commit to a diet and make my body a lean, mean, baby-making machine. And if that doesn't work, I'll consider IVF.

But wait, isn't that plan all wrong? Why am I not taking a long break now and doing all that stuff? Oh, I know. Because now I've been trying for 18 months and now — now I'm impatient.

I'm editing this post to add a footnote: I did lose 30 pounds the year before I stopped taking BCP, and I have somehow kept it off, so technically I'm in the best shape of my adult life. I only need to lose another 20 to fall into "normal" range, and I guess there is a part of my brain protesting that an extra 20 pounds can't possibly be what's preventing me from getting pregnant. But still.

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Trouble TTC @ The Nest

Before I get too far into this blog, I want to dedicate a post to the ladies on the Trouble TTC board at The Nest (who no doubt make up about 95 percent of whatever readership I will ever have). I couldn't ask for a better resource and support group. There's so much advice, kindness, and sympathy attached to an incredible amount of collective TTC wisdom.

Thanks to this board I understand so much more about what's happening with my body, what my doctor's talking about, and what my options are than I would otherwise. I never knew "research" could be so enjoyable (and even addictive).

It's amazing how wrapped up I become in these women's stories. I am regularly moved to tears when reading about their experiences: I celebrate with them, and I grieve with them. I have even met two wonderful Nesties in person.

I can't recommend this board enough to anyone dealing with fertility issues.

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Life On Hold?

Why, you might wonder, do I say my life is on hold? Anyone who has experienced IF knows what I mean. It is all-consuming. I think about it every day and it influences all of our major life decisions. Let me break it down for you.

I want to leave the big city and return to my hometown, about two hours away, where I can be near my family and where we could actually afford to buy a house. Regardless of where we live, I want a new job.

Here's the thing: IF is expensive. If we leave the big city, we will have to get new jobs in my hometown, and salaries in my hometown are lower than they are here. This is not a huge problem, generally; we would still be able to afford a house. But we might not be able to afford IF treatments. We certainly would not be able to afford both a house and IF treatments.

Another thing to consider: are IF treatments as readily available in my hometown? I have no idea.

Okay, so why don't I get a new job in the big city in the meantime? Well, I'm getting to the point where I just want out, so the concerns I'm about to list are dimming. I fear at a new job I would not have the flexibility I need to attend IF appointments, monitoring, and procedures. I think I would feel guilty if I got a new job and then got pregnant shortly after. But I've been trying for a year and a half now — let's face it, I might not get pregnant any time soon.

My original dream was to get pregnant, stay at my current job until the baby comes, then move to my hometown during my maternity/parental leave (one year in Ontario), possibly buy a house, and take it from there. Ideally, K would be able to keep his current job and work from home, but it's looking like that's not going to work out.

At the very least, finally achieving pregnancy would force us to make decisions and kick us out of our rut.

I desperately need to get out of this rut.

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My Infertility Journey So Far...

Quick intro: I stopped taking BCP in November 2006, had AF in December but then nothing for months (as I expected), and was referred to an IF specialist in April 2007. Specialist tentatively diagnosed me with PCOS. K's first SA showed a slightly low count and low motility. His repeat SA showed numbers on the low side of average. And so we begin.

I always knew I would have trouble conceiving, since I would only get AF once or twice a year when not on BCP, but I really had no idea what "having trouble" would mean. I kind of thought I would just take a pill for a few months and that would do it! Well, that is in fact very often the first step in IF treatment. And that's how it started for me. The pill is called Clomid, and it is effective in inducing ovulation in about 80 percent of women. I'm in the other 20 percent.

After four cycles of increasing dosages of Clomid, which did absolutely nothing except give me hot flashes, I reluctantly conceded that it was time to move on to the next step: injectable FSH with IUI. At this point we did some more testing, a pelvic ultrasound and a sonohysterogram (SHG), to make sure my uterus was in good shape and my tubes were clear. They were.

In October 2007 I injected myself in the belly with Gonal-f for 12 days. And so, one year after I stopped taking BCP, and six months after I started seeing the IF specialist, I finally ovulated one precious follicle and had my first IUI. I got my first BFN just in time to celebrate that anniversary along with my 30th birthday. (A little advice here: don't start TTC on your birthday, and especially not on your 29th birthday!)

In January 2008 we did our second Gonal-f + IUI cycle. This time we switched up the dosages and I ended up with four follicles! My LH surged on its own, and so we did back-to-back IUIs at 12 and 36 hours after trigger. My doctor said we couldn't ask for a better cycle... but BFN #2.

Next step, laparoscopy on April 9.

To be continued...

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