Life On Hold?

Why, you might wonder, do I say my life is on hold? Anyone who has experienced IF knows what I mean. It is all-consuming. I think about it every day and it influences all of our major life decisions. Let me break it down for you.

I want to leave the big city and return to my hometown, about two hours away, where I can be near my family and where we could actually afford to buy a house. Regardless of where we live, I want a new job.

Here's the thing: IF is expensive. If we leave the big city, we will have to get new jobs in my hometown, and salaries in my hometown are lower than they are here. This is not a huge problem, generally; we would still be able to afford a house. But we might not be able to afford IF treatments. We certainly would not be able to afford both a house and IF treatments.

Another thing to consider: are IF treatments as readily available in my hometown? I have no idea.

Okay, so why don't I get a new job in the big city in the meantime? Well, I'm getting to the point where I just want out, so the concerns I'm about to list are dimming. I fear at a new job I would not have the flexibility I need to attend IF appointments, monitoring, and procedures. I think I would feel guilty if I got a new job and then got pregnant shortly after. But I've been trying for a year and a half now — let's face it, I might not get pregnant any time soon.

My original dream was to get pregnant, stay at my current job until the baby comes, then move to my hometown during my maternity/parental leave (one year in Ontario), possibly buy a house, and take it from there. Ideally, K would be able to keep his current job and work from home, but it's looking like that's not going to work out.

At the very least, finally achieving pregnancy would force us to make decisions and kick us out of our rut.

I desperately need to get out of this rut.