The Rest of the Story

I realize that I never shared the conclusion, more or less, of my breastfeeding journey. Having shared the rest of this struggle in such detail, it's only fair that I share the end of the story. I guess it was early in November that I felt like we had reached a crisis point, again, and the breastfeeding clinic had given us all the help they could offer. I got tired of Andrew's constant rejection of the breast and finally decided to bottlefeed all day.

Since then I have been pumping twice a day, getting between 10 and 15 oz of breastmilk. He gets two breastmilk bottles and two formula bottles each day, and, until recently, at least, he nursed once overnight and once first thing in the morning. The past few weeks he has been losing interest in the morning nursing session, however, and since he's been sick he's been refusing to nurse at night as well.

Sooo... I guess my breastfeeding days are over. And I think I'm going to stop pumping when my current prescription for domperidone runs out in a few weeks. I have a great deal of regret and disappointment about the way things turned out, but I have made peace with the decision to stop. I did the best I knew how to do. Maybe, if I had it to do over, I could have done better. Or maybe not.

An interesting side note to the end of my lactation is that my cycles may or may not resume, and we'll need to make some decisions about TTC#2. Since I believe it was the removal of my minor endo that allowed me to conceive Andrew, I think our best chance at conceiving again without intervention will be sooner rather than later. While I am terrified at the prospect of being responsible for two very young children, I'm sure we'd manage, just as millions of families do every single day, and I'd be beyond thrilled to get a BFP in the months to come.

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Babyfeeding Update

In case anyone is actually interested in this thrilling saga...

Breastfeeding has improved since our visit to the clinic. I've only had to give Andrew bottles a handful of times. My nipples are very painful, however. My right nip in particular feels like it's on fire while he nurses. I think it's just because he's very rough with them these days. I had to stop nursing in the glider because he was pushing his legs against the arms, causing him to jerk on the nipple. Ouch!

For the past week I've been attempting to feed him solids twice a day. Along with the mashed banana, he's now tried homemade applesauce, mashed potatoes, mashed rice, and a bit of shredded chicken. Tomorrow he'll try carrots. So far he hasn't seemed to particularly like anything. I think he's still trying to figure out what to do with the food and how to swallow. Most of the food ends up on his bib. This is normal, right?

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Five Months Old and Babyfeeding Update

My sweet little boy is five months old! I say it every month, but I have to say it again — I can't believe how quickly time is passing. How has he gotten so big? He has rolled in both directions but is not yet doing either regularly. He's finally big enough to start really enjoying his exersaucer. He loves blowing raspberries. I love our little "conversations." So much fun.

On Tuesday we went back to the breastfeeding clinic we went to when he was tiny. I was not a fan back then, but this time I actually left feeling much, much better. Of course when we breastfed there, he ate quite well and displayed none of the issues we've been having. Little stinker. I pretty much knew what they were going to say: (a) he's frustrated with the slow flow from the breast; and (b) it's time to start solids.

Their advice for starting solids is a little unusual, I think. They say to skip baby cereal altogether. Don't puree anything; fork-mashing is good enough. Don't bother giving him one new food at a time; go ahead and try three new things in one day if that's what I want to do. If I still need to supplement with formula, I should give it to him in a cup — a real cup, not a sippy cup — instead of a bottle.

They assured me that it's going to be a lot of fun. This is our first attempt at mashed bananas:


He wasn't impressed. He pushed most of it out of his mouth with a confused "yuck" face. LOL I hope he gets the hang of it soon!

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Just Eat, Baby!

We're still struggling. I went ahead and made an appointment with the breastfeeding clinic, but it's not until October 20. We'll have to muddle along until then and hope the problem doesn't become irreparable in the meantime. Ughh, why can't he just eat? So much of my time and energy is devoted to feeding him that I feel like I'm missing out on just enjoying him.

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Rough Patch

We're going through a very rough patch. Things improved long enough for our trip, which was nice, but went sharply downhill upon our return home. What's up with that? For the first time I'm seriously contemplating quitting breastfeeding. I'll give it another couple of days, and then, if things still suck, I'll make an appointment with the dreaded clinic, and then, if they can't help us, I'm done. I just got teary-eyed typing those two little words. I never imagined it would be this difficult for this long. I always planned to breastfeed for a year.

I'm sorry. I'm not expecting sympathy or even advice; I just need to put it out there. Maybe posting this will help me get used to the idea that I might have to stop — that stopping might even be for the good of the baby.

Argh.

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Consistency Is Good

Andrew had his checkup this morning and all is well. He is just below the 50th percentile for weight, which is exactly consistent with his two-month stats, so his gain has been fine and as usual I was worrying over nothing. I think he is just a bit of a light eater. Holding him down for his shots was traumatic! He cried and cried, then fell asleep and has been sleeping ever since. Poor monkey.

Our drive home yesterday was fine, but then he was cranky all evening. Poor Daddy didn't get any smiles when he got home from work.

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Just Visiting

Andrew and I went on quite the road trip yesterday, just the two of us. What would usually be a 4.5-hour drive turned into a 6.5-hour drive as I made frequent stops to get the poor little guy out of his car seat and to feed and change him. It wasn't as bad as I'd feared it would be. Andrew was a trooper and only cried a little bit. When we arrived, he met his great-grandmother for the first time and was at his charming best, talking and smiling away for her. I'm so glad. We're here till Tuesday. Keep your fingers crossed for me that the trip home will be as uneventful as the drive up.

Oh, I should update on the breastfeeding situation. I was close to cancelling this trip but things improved drastically starting on Sunday. He hasn't refused a feeding in a week. He still fusses and pulls off, and I'm not entirely sure he's getting enough to eat, but he's having plenty of wet diapers and seems content. I gave him a bottle this afternoon just to ease my mind. I will discuss my concerns at his four-month checkup on Wednesday.

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Walking Around Naked

That's how I have to feed my baby, it seems. I read the suggestion in a book and thought it sounded crazy — why on earth would that work? But it does. We've done it a twice now (okay, fine, let's try it naked), and he latches on while I'm standing and then after a minute allows me to sit and nurse him as usual. Weirdo. I don't know if it'll work every time he resists, but I'm glad to have found something...

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More Breastfeeding Woes

Things were going really well for a while there, but now I just don't know. He seems to be fine, but I don't see how he can possibly be getting enough in his five feedings. Here's our nursing schedule:

- upon waking in the morning
- after each nap (3 or sometimes 4)
- once sometime during the night (he will occasionally STTN and miss this one)

He's still only awake for two hours at a time and I can't get him to nurse twice during one waking period. I could accept that five feedings might be enough IF they were all good feedings, but they're often not. The nighttime and first morning feeding are usually excellent, but the after-nap sessions are often troubled by one of two problems:

1) Suck, suck, pull off and cry, relatch quickly, suck, suck, repeat.
2) Complete refusal to take the nipple at all. Scream and arch back.

The first reaction leads me to believe I'm having supply issues. (I've been on domperidone for three months, thanks to the breastfeeding clinic I went to when Andrew was a tiny baby, and was trying to wean off of it, so this is entirely possible.)

The second reaction just baffles me.

Oh, I should add that he's more than willing to take a bottle of breastmilk after either of the two negative reactions. He doesn't spit up excessively. He has plenty of wet diapers, and I think he's gaining weight at about one pound a month, which seems to be acceptable. I'll have to confirm this at his four-month appointment on September 30.

Wish this could be easier. Anyone have any thoughts on what could be going on here?

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Seven-Week Update

I'm more in love with my sweet baby all the time. I adore how interactive he's becoming, smiling and cooing and flailing his limbs in excitement when we talk to him. We're still eagerly awaiting the first giggles. His sleep is unpredictable; he has good days and bad days. He's spitting up quite a lot lately.

The breastfeeding is going well now, I think. I haven't used the lactation device in about two weeks, and I haven't had to give him a bottle in about a week. Yep, it's all boob, all the time.

I cancelled my next appointment at the breastfeeding clinic. I always leave there feeling discouraged and deflated. I don't need that now. We're on track, as far as I'm concerned, and I'm not going to give anyone the opportunity to tell me otherwise. As long as my boy is growing and healthy, I'm happy. He has a checkup on Friday. I can't wait to see how much weight he's gained.

And now a couple more pictures, because he's just so cute!

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Wowza!

Andrew has gained almost a pound in just eight days, for a grand total of 10 pounds, 12 ounces at five weeks of age. Unbelievable!

I was feeling better about the breastfeeding situation, but I was knocked back down by today's appointment at the clinic. The nurse there told me that the reason Andrew isn't napping properly is that he's hungry. If he was really satiated, she said, he'd have no problem going for a two-hour nap in his crib after each feeding.

I have no idea how to apply this knowledge. I'm not sure how I could possibly feed him more. And, well, his weight gain is spectacular. How could he gain like that if he's going hungry all day?

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9 lbs 14 oz

That's how much Andrew weighs as of yesterday. That means he gained 1 lb, 8 oz in the 12 days between visits to the breastfeeding clinic — solid evidence that I'm not starving my baby. What a relief! And I haven't been supplementing very much, probably an average of only 150 mL (5 oz) per day, so he's getting plenty from breastfeeding.

I've decided to take the clinic's advice as a guideline and do my own thing from there. Specifically, I am going to pump when I can, and I am not going to hesitate to give Andrew a bottle when he is frantic and screaming and refusing both breasts. I'll keep the bottle as a last resort, but I will use it if I feel it is necessary for baby's health and my sanity.

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Babyfeeding Update

The first feeding after the visit with the breastfeeding clinic was disastrous. It was a three-hour-long marathon that left me sobbing and both of us very frustrated, while Keith kept saying, "It's okay, it's okay." I couldn't get the hold or the latch right; the compressions didn't seem to do anything; we couldn't get the stupid tube to work. Finally, I gave up and told Keith to get us a bottle.

Things have progressed since then, but I don't think this is any easier or necessarily better than what I was doing before. We were muddling along at least as well as we are now. More than ever I feel like I am constantly nursing.

...

I wrote the above about 14 hours ago. The latest update: I seem to have gone from apparent undersupply to oversupply. My baby now cries and claws at his face and my breast and pulls off the nipple, only to frantically reattach and repeat the process. He is spitting up a great deal. I can't seem to fill his belly, which means constant marathon feeds and no sleep for either of us. This is very upsetting. I can understand now why people quit.

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Adventures in Babyfeeding

On his third day of life, the first day we had him home alone, my poor little Andrew wasn't having any wet or dirty diapers. Around the 18-hour mark of the dry spell, I called the provincial health help line and was told to take him to emergency. We were there for nine miserable hours, from 11:30 p.m. to 9:00 a.m., with me crying intermittently from the guilt and frustration of not being able to provide well enough for my baby despite what felt like constant nursing. At the hospital they took blood from his heel (twice, because they didn't take enough the first time) and twice tried unsuccessfully to catheterize him. They declared him mildly dehydrated and had me feed him a bottle of formula. We left with instructions to supplement with formula.

Since then we've been paranoid — is he getting enough? For the next week we gave him formula by bottle after every breastfeeding session. Once my milk came in, on day five after the birth, we rushed out and bought a $200 breast pump to relieve the engorgement and with the hope of replacing the formula with breast milk. Between the frequent, long feedings and Andrew's preference to nap on me, I've been having a hard time figuring out when to pump and have only been managing it once a day.

I have a very sleepy baby who is all eager to take the nipple but falls asleep within minutes. He never seems to suck deeply. One of my baby books calls him a nipper napper. And I guess he's probably become used to the ease of bottlefeeding and just waits out the time I keep him on the breast until I give in and offer the bottle. I also often have to wake him from naps when it's been too long between feedings.

And my nipples hurt.

I went to a breastfeeding clinic today and found out I've been doing everything wrong. At the hospital they told me I might find football hold easiest because of my large breasts; the folks at the clinic said I should really do cross-cradle. I should supplement with a lactation aid instead of a bottle, and I should stop pumping to allow my breasts to fill up. I should start taking three different kinds of supplements (fenugreek, blessed thistle, and domperidone) three times a day to boost my milk supply. Oh! They also said he had a tongue tie, meaning the little flap of skin under his tongue (the frenulum) was too tight, and clipped it on the spot. Apparently there are no nerve endings there, and it didn't seem to hurt him.

It's all just a little overwhelming. Shouldn't breastfeeding be easy and natural?

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