Useless Ultrasound

This afternoon I had my pelvic and transvaginal ultrasound to look for "retained products of conception." Everything looked fine; there was nothing to see. Of course there was nothing to see! My hCG was 25 today (up from 21 on Monday), and apparently they don't expect to see anything via ultrasound until hCG is over 1,000! I don't understand why Dr. L was so keen on me having this ultrasound ASAP. It seems there's nothing to do but monitor the situation and wait for something to happen.

Now for some good news: I got the job! I start on June 18. Yay, I'm so excited! Giving notice will be hard, and the next two weeks will be hectic and awkward, but I'll get through it.

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Now What?

I am done with being philosophical. Now I'm perturbed.

My bloodwork on Thursday showed that my hCG had gone down to 18. Okay, good. I started bleeding on Friday, and it was horrible, and it continued over the weekend. They checked my hCG again this morning — and it had gone up ever so slightly to 21. How is this even possible? Dr. L called me himself to tell me the news and to explain that he wants me to have an ultrasound (the full bladder kind) to make sure there's nothing in my tubes. I'm pretty sure my tubes are fine, and anyway, he said an hCG of 21 indicates about 30 or 40 cells. That's hardly anything — can't we just ignore them and hope they go away? :p

Assuming everything's fine and these mystery cells disappear, Dr. L thinks we should try on our own for three cycles, after avoiding for one cycle, to see if we can conceive naturally again. As much as I love the idea of conceiving naturally, my cycles are long — at least 37 days — and unreliable. If we follow his suggestion and we don't conceive, IUI #3 won't be until October or November or maybe even later! (My idea of a July IUI was never gonna happen anyway; he's on holidays from June 21 to July 21 and the office is completely closed for most of that time. Must be nice.)

Man, this sucks.

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Being Philosophical

Tuesday was rough, as was Friday, when I actually started bleeding, but mostly I'm fine and I've been able to maintain a philosophical outlook. I know there are good reasons this pregnancy didn't work out: I ovulated so late in my cycle (around CD37) that the egg's quality might have been compromised, and I had surgery, including a D&C, just two weeks before conception, so I could very well have had lining issues.

And as my doctor said, and as I think many of us have said of first-time pregnancy loss, at least now I know I can get pregnant. It's true. After 18 months of trying, we finally have evidence that egg can meet sperm and sperm can fertilize egg. Under better circumstances we should be successful. And soon!

Since we conceived almost immediately after the endo was removed, I have to believe that the endo was a factor in our infertility, and so I feel the need to do my part to keep it at bay. Dr. L recommends the macrobiotic diet, but that's a little extreme for me to dive into wholesale, so I'm going to start by eliminating dairy and red meat and limiting caffeine and sugar. Wish me luck!

Oh, and Dr. L wants us to avoid next cycle, because he says there's a higher rate of miscarriage the cycle right after a miscarriage. No IUI for me until July.

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It's Over

My beta did not go up, so I guess this is a chemical pregnancy. Crap. Crap, crap crap! Sad. Back to the drawing board. Or, I should say, back to the needles and stirrups. I should have known that a break cycle BFP was too good to be true.

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Vedge

Right at this moment I am drinking something called Vedge. It's disgusting, but I need the extra vegetables. If this doesn't prove how excited I am to be pregnant, I don't know what will.

Two more days till beta #2. Please let this tiny spark of life continue to grow.

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In Other News...

Remember the job interview? Apparently I did "very well" on the tests and they want me to come in for a second interview next week. Of course, I am now grappling anew with the ethics of the situation — much worse now that I would be accepting a job knowing that I'm pregnant and won't be staying for long.

So far the advice I have gotten is unanimously that I should do what's best for me. This kind of thing happens all the time, and the company doesn't need me to look out for its interests. Yeah, but...

Obviously it's premature to worry about accepting an offer I haven't yet received. For now I have decided only to go ahead and do the interview.

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Surprising Hubby with the News

I had the pleasure of surprising Keith with the news on our anniversary! Since I already had an appointment with Dr. L scheduled for Thursday, our anniversary, I decided to keep the news to myself after my initial BFP on Tuesday. It was torture, but for 2.5 days I managed to hold it in.

On Thursday, we met after work at a restaurant called Milestones (how appropriate!) that overlooks the place we got married and did our post-ceremony pictures. He asked about the appointment with Dr. L but I was awkwardly evasive about our "next steps." After we ordered our meals, I handed him a gift bag. He looked dismayed, because we don't usually exchange gifts on our anniversary, but I told him it was just something small and to go ahead and open it.

It took him a while to get through all the tissue paper, but eventually he found a bib that says "I love my daddy." He looked up and said, "We're going to have a baby?" I nodded, with a big goofy smile on my face, and filled him in on the details.

I told him that I was feeling anxious about the low beta, but he refused to worry about that, and we spent the rest of the evening chatting about when to tell people, baby names, and other such happy things.

Although there was no big reaction, it was still a wonderful moment. Keith was a little put out that I'd kept it from him for so long, but he understood why I did it and agreed that it was a great surprise. :)

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