Being Realistic

I need to give up the dream. We are not going to be moving to my hometown and buying a house any time soon. We are stuck in the big city. I get all choked up and depressed when thinking about staying here indefinitely, but I need to get over it and get used to the idea. Keith doesn't want to give up his job and it would be horrible of me to pitch a fit and insist he uproot his entire life (and risk our financial stability) to make me happy. He says maybe we can do it in another year or two, but I don't see what will have changed.

What's my life going to look like here? What will I do after my maternity leave? (I don't think I want to go back to my current job.) What kind of daycare will we get for the baby — should we be getting on waiting lists now? Will we ever own a home?

At least we will own a car, so I'll be able to visit my out-of-town family and friends whenever I want to while I'm on leave. I imagine that's going to be very important to me.

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Big Ultrasound

I had my big ultrasound today. We got to see the baby moving around, kicking, waving, and even yawning — and yes, we were able to find out the sex. We're having a boy! My son currently weighs 250 grams (or 9 ounces, if you prefer). I think it's pretty neat that they can estimate the weight based on a few measurements.

We got four ultrasound pictures but they're not very clear. I'll try to post a couple later this weekend.

I think I have been imagining myself with a daughter, so this idea will take some getting used to, but of course I am so very happy and grateful that everything looks perfect and perfectly normal.

The ultrasound clinic was near Keith's parents' place, so we headed over there afterwards to share the news. Upon hearing that it's a boy, my FIL said excitedly, "That's what we wanted!" And Keith and I laughed and reminded him that when we first announced the pregnancy he'd said it had better be a girl because they already have a grandson (age 13). Too funny!

We're celebrating Christmas with Keith's family tomorrow because his parents are going to Florida for two weeks over the real Christmas. I just finished baking cookies to bring. Keith, like a kid, loves that he gets to open presents early, and will get more in a couple of weeks. OMG, I can't believe real Christmas is less than two weeks away! I'm so not ready!

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Let's Talk About Sex!

Things are pretty quiet over here. I want to keep a more active blog but I haven't had much to say that would be worth your while to read. I feel fine and I don't look pregnant yet — just fat. I promise to post a belly pic just as soon as I have something resembling a baby bump, whenever that might be.

But there's some excitement on the horizon. Our big ultrasound is on Friday! I can't wait to see our baby again, to hear its heartbeat, and, I hope, to find out its sex.

It's funny how many of our relatives, and especially my relatives, think we're "ruining the surprise" by finding out the gender. I really thought everyone would be as excited to find out as we are. (My friend had the opposite experience and got a fair bit of backlash from her family when she decided not to find out.) Even my grandfather said we shouldn't find out. Surprisingly, my grandmother was on my side: she said she would have loved to find out if the technology had been available when she was pregnant with any of her six kids.

But, really, I think there will be quite enough excitement going on the day I give birth. Nothing will be "ruined" because we know. I think I need the "surprise" more now than I will then. Knowing the gender will help us (me) bond with the baby, help this feel more real. I will enjoy being able to apply a pronoun other than "it" to my child. Plus, we're going to need all the time we can get to come up with a name we agree on and love!

How do you feel about finding out the sex? If you already have a baby, what did you do? Are you glad you made the decision you did? Why or why not?

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Knitting

Funny how being pregnant can bring out all sorts of domestic tendencies (and fantasies). I learned how to knit as a child but have done very little of it in my adult years. Last Christmas I decided I wanted to get back into it and put a few knitting books on my wish list. It took being three months pregnant, however, to finally make me pick up the needles. These hats are my first creations in more than ten years. I used the Umbilical Cord Hat pattern in Debbie Stoller's Stitch 'N Bitch book. I'm also working on the Big Bad Baby Blanket from the same book. Loving it so far!

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Anticlimactic Follow-up

As usual, I was worrying excessively over something silly. Today, when my boss was handing out pay stubs, she asked me how my workload is, "now that we've loaded you up." I told her I could use some more work, actually, and she said she'd think about what she could give me. I thought, "Uh-oh, I'd better tell her before she makes any decisions!"

So I screwed up some nerve and went to see her in her office a little while later. I know she could tell I was nervous and she was SO nice! She said it's great news and must have said congratulations about a dozen times. Apparently my fill-in will start two months before I leave and stay for two months after I return (if I return, she said, adding that she very much hopes I do). By the time I return (if I return), this person will have spent several more months working on my projects than I have. That'll be a bit weird.

I'm going shopping tomorrow. I might buy my first maternity items, since most of my pants are now leaving welts on my belly after a day at the office. I'm not loving this in-between stage. I hate all my clothes and struggle every day with picking out an outfit.

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Work Worries

I started a new job in June. My six-month probation doesn't end until mid-December, when I will be about 20 weeks pregnant. I don't feel comfortable waiting that long to tell. I've set 16 weeks as an arbitrary deadline, but there's a problem. I'm extremely short on work and need to ask for more. I told the boss a while ago that eventually, once I've gotten the mess I inherited cleaned up, I will need more work, so it won't come as a surprise. But I don't want to bring that up that until I spill the beans about my impending leave (one year in Canada), since that info will likely determine what kind of work the boss will want to give me.

I'm so nervous about this. Today the boss was in her office most of the day (rare) and I tried to talk myself into going in to talk to her. Instead I talked myself into waiting until next week. I'm such a coward. I got all shaky just thinking about it.

I sort of feel embarrassed and guilty, like I accepted the job under false pretenses. Won't they assume that I must have been trying? Or will they believe that I got knocked up accidentally? I'm not sure which assumption makes me look worse. Why do I even care? Yeah, that's right, the new girl's pregnant. And proud of it! I'm such an idiot. LOL

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Small Milestones

Today is a doubly good day: it's my birthday (thirty-first, in case you're wondering) and also the official last day of my first trimester. Woohoo! We had a low-key celebration. Keith and I went out for dinner and then ate a little cake at home.

I bought some clothes (sweater and a couple of camisoles for layering) today, as a little birthday present to myself — NOT maternity, but I should be able to wear them for a few weeks (months?) yet. A friend sent me a gift certificate to a maternity store, and I have a shopping trip planned with another friend in a couple of weeks. You can bet I'll be buying maternity then!

In the meantime, the elastic-through-the-buttonhole trick should get me by. I did that for the first time today, and it was great. I'm in that awful "I feel fat!" phase and hate how I look in all of my clothes.

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