Failing to Kick the Habit

Remember that post last Saturday, "Trying to Kick the Habit"? Well, I haven't done anything I said I was going to do. The diet stalled before it got out of the driveway, I have done very little exercise, and I've been spending as much time as ever on the Nest's Trouble TTC board. I did stop temping, but only for four days.

Oh, and my cousin came back to stay with us for another month because she got a job — yay! I like having her here, but I'm much more likely to indulge in bad food (and bad TV) while she's around.

Let me tell you about the temping. Last Saturday it was CD32 and I was feeling pretty certain that I would not be ovulating this cycle. But it kept niggling at me — what if? It's hard not having that information when you're so used to it. And so, because apparently I'm an addict, I resumed temping on Thursday — just in time to see a temperature shift that has continued for five days now. It's not super high, but it's higher than my usual follicular phase temps.

So, I might have ovulated! Good, right? Well... maybe not. If I did ovulate last week, my next cycle will start about five days before my post-op appointment with Dr. L, and I might have to sit out yet another cycle. I guess I could call and beg for an earlier appointment, but I always feel like such a whiny, needy pain in the ass when I do stuff like that.

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Due Diligence?

Did I do my due diligence in all this infertility stuff? Should I have done more?

Sometimes I think we went about this all wrong. I went off BCP fully expecting what did in fact happen — nothing. Okay, I had one AF the next month, and I thought, cool, what a great time for my body to decide to start working! And then nothing, for the next five months. But the point is that I expected it. And instead of doing something about it — instead of, say, researching fertility diets that promote ovulation or going on any diet just to get healthier and lose some weight — I just waited. I took my prenatal vitamins and I waited until I was due for my annual checkup, and then I went in and got my referral to an IF specialist.

Now I wish I hadn't been in such a hurry. And I wonder, since I'd only been off BCP for six months, why didn't my doctor suggest trying ways to get my cycles going naturally? Or, why didn't she look at me long enough to figure out I probably have PCOS and put me on metformin to see if that helped before sending me off to the specialist?

Even now, one year into treatment, I still haven't got my act together. My attempts at dieting are half-hearted and laughable, really. Whenever I read about a particular diet I get overwhelmed and doom myself to failure before I begin. (The GI diet was great for about two weeks.) Every time I see Dr. L he asks me, "Have you lost any weight?" And I say, "I don't think so," and I feel ashamed.

My long-term plan, assuming continued infertility, is this: I'm going to do four more IUIs, for a total of six, and if I'm still not pregnant, I'm going to take a long break before thinking about IVF. And during that break I'm going to go all out — I'm going to do acupuncture and really commit to a diet and make my body a lean, mean, baby-making machine. And if that doesn't work, I'll consider IVF.

But wait, isn't that plan all wrong? Why am I not taking a long break now and doing all that stuff? Oh, I know. Because now I've been trying for 18 months and now — now I'm impatient.

I'm editing this post to add a footnote: I did lose 30 pounds the year before I stopped taking BCP, and I have somehow kept it off, so technically I'm in the best shape of my adult life. I only need to lose another 20 to fall into "normal" range, and I guess there is a part of my brain protesting that an extra 20 pounds can't possibly be what's preventing me from getting pregnant. But still.

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Random Pic of the Day

Since I don't have much going on, I thought I'd throw in a random pic. This is my mom's dog, Riley. (Well, I paid for half of him, but then the next year I went away to college and he's been hers ever since.) He is the love of my life next to my husband — such a sweetheart! In case you're wondering, he is three-quarters sheltie and one-quarter poodle.

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Trying to Kick the Habit

K and I rented Juno tonight, and we both enjoyed it. It was cute and sweet and funny, and the only character I didn't like was Vanessa, the adoptive mother, played by Jennifer Garner. I was uncomfortable with how ... fragile and desperate she seemed. Maybe I'm just afraid that will be me someday, or that others will see me that way. But I loved the title character, and the relationships seemed very real. Two thumbs up.

I have decided that the best way to make the next month until my post-op appointment go by quickly is to try to put it out of my mind as much as possible — "it" being IF and TTC. I have been completely unsuccessful with that during all previous breaks, but I'm going to give it another shot. Why is it such an all-consuming obsession? I'm going to stop temping (it's CD32 and there's no sign of o) and I'm going to try hard not to talk about "it" and to lay off the Nest. What else can I do? I will continue to take my twice-daily prenatal vitamins, of course. Luckily, if you want to call it luck, I'm desperately swamped at work and should be concentrating on that. I need to be about 300 percent more productive than I have been in recent months.

What will happen to this blog, you might wonder? Well, as I mentioned in the previous post, besides work I'm going to try to focus on losing some weight — 20 pounds to my goal weight. My cousin has been staying with us for the past month (she's 22 and size 6), and we kind of used her as an excuse to eat out a lot and to have plenty of treats and "fun food" on hand. Well, she left this morning, depriving us of our excuse. So, I guess I'll post about that once in a while.

But you'll have to allow me just one more tiny rant: I've been TTC for 18 months now, and in that time I have ovulated just five times, and I'm probably not going to ovulate again until June. That sucks ever so much.

Okay, I'm done. :)

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And Another Long Wait Begins

I finally made my post-op appointment, and it's not until May 15 (which also happens to be my fourth wedding anniversary, btw). This is apparently just the way Dr. L does things — the post-op appointment is always four to six weeks after the op.

Does he not understand how incredibly frustrating this is for his patients? My last treatment cycle ended with a BFN on February 5, and then I had to wait for two months for the lap (was supposed to be 3.5 months but happily I got a cancellation spot), and now I have to wait another five weeks for the post-op. Seems a little ridiculous to me, especially considering that I'm anxious to hear his take on the endo. And then I'll probably have to take Provera to start my next cycle, so that's yet another two weeks before we can get moving again.

IUI#1 was in October, IUI#2 was in January, and now IUI#3 will be in June — sooo much waiting! I think I've been pretty patient, but at the moment I'm feeling incredibly frustrated, and sad, too. :(

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Back to reality

So, today was my first day back to work after the lap. I was exhausted all day and almost immediately overwhelmed by my workload. I can't believe I was so lazy over my holidays — I should have been working! (Just kidding, of course I shouldn't have been working...) I applied for a new job yesterday. I really hope I get an interview.

Sadly, I'm not going to have anything TTC related to talk about here for a few weeks. Sometime this week the nurse from Dr. L's office is going to call to check up on me and schedule my follow-up appointment. In the meantime, I really am going to try to focus on eating well and losing weight. Would you believe I actually gained a pound last week? Ridiculous.

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Recovering

We went outside for a little walk yesterday — just across the street to Shoppers Drug Mart and Blockbuster — and I discovered that feeling okay while walking around the apartment does not necessarily mean I will feel okay walking around outside. I suppose I was trying to take longer or quicker strides. Whatever, it caused painful stretching of my abdomen, and I ended up sort of hobbling and slightly hunched over, and I had renewed vaginal bleeding when I got home. It's all good, though. My instructions were to gradually resume normal activities, doing a little more each day, so that's what I'm trying to do.

K, my darling, has been wonderful. He made me Rice Krispie squares and has been fetching me drinks (even tea, which he usually refuses to do, claiming ignorance of the intricacies of the steeping process) and setting up DVDs. I've watched so many episodes of Gilmore Girls. :)

I'm dreading my return to work on Monday. I can't wait to have this conversation over and over: "Yes, I did enjoy my holidays ... No, we didn't go anywhere ... No, we mostly just hung out at home ... Yes, it was a bit boring ... Well, I guess we're just boring people." LOL

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